Human Behavioral Patterns: Unraveling Our Inner Scripts
Human Behavioral Patterns: Unraveling Our Inner Scripts
Human beings are creatures of habit. We develop patterns of behavior, often unconsciously, that shape our relationships, work lives, and overall well-being. Understanding these patterns is the first step toward positive change!
1. The Pattern of Approval Seeking (People-Pleasing):
Description: This pattern involves constantly seeking external validation and approval, often at the expense of one's own needs and desires.
Behind the Pattern: Rooted in childhood experiences of conditional love or fear of rejection, leading to low self-esteem and a need for external validation.
Example: As a child, you were praised only when you got good grades, making you believe your worth depended on others' approval.
Root: Conditional love, fear of rejection, low self-esteem.
I remember a time when a friend asked me to help them with a project that would take up my entire weekend. I knew I was already stretched thin, and I really needed that time for myself. But the moment they asked, I felt this wave of anxiety, thinking about how they'd feel if I said no. I was so worried about them being upset, or thinking I wasn't a good friend. So, I agreed, even though inside, I was dreading it. Afterwards, I felt drained and resentful, but also a strange sense of 'goodness' for having been so 'helpful.' It took me a while to realize I was prioritizing their approval over my own well-being.
Healing Technique:
Self-Validation: Practice affirming your own worth and accomplishments, regardless of others' opinions.
Boundary Setting: Learn to say "no" and prioritize your own needs.
Tip: Practice mirror work, look yourself in the eyes and say positive affirmations.
2. The Pattern of Avoidance (Emotional Withdrawal):
Description: This pattern involves avoiding difficult emotions, conversations, or situations, leading to emotional detachment and relationship issues.
Behind the Pattern: Fear of vulnerability, past traumas, or learned helplessness, resulting in a tendency to suppress emotions and avoid conflict.
Example: After a painful breakup, you avoid any discussion about relationships, building an emotional wall.
Root: Fear of vulnerability, past traumas, learned helplessness.
I've seen this pattern firsthand with a partner who had an avoidant attachment style. When things got emotionally intense, or if there was conflict, he would sometimes understandably shut down. It was as if an invisible wall would go up, and he'd become distant and unresponsive, retreating into his own world. It was very difficult to feel emotionally connected during those times, and I know it was difficult for him as well.
Healing Technique:
Mindfulness: Practice observing your emotions without judgment, allowing yourself to feel them fully.
Gradual Exposure: Slowly confront avoided situations or emotions in a safe and controlled environment.
Tip: Journaling, to write down feelings and emotions.
3. The Pattern of Self-Criticism (Inner Critic):
Description: This pattern involves constant self-judgment, negative self-talk, and a tendency to focus on flaws and shortcomings.
Behind the Pattern: Internalized critical voices from childhood, perfectionism, or fear of failure, leading to low self-worth and anxiety.
Example: You compare yourself to social media perfection, constantly finding flaws in your own appearance or achievements.
Root: Internalized critical voices, perfectionism, fear of failure.
I've seen so many clients struggle with this relentless inner critic. One client, Sarah, would come to sessions and immediately start listing all the things she'd done 'wrong' that week. She'd minimize her successes and magnify any perceived failures. It was as if she had this harsh voice constantly narrating her life, pointing out every misstep. This constant self-judgment created so much unnecessary anxiety and prevented her from truly appreciating her progress.
Healing Technique:
Cognitive Restructuring: Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations.
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, as you would a friend.
Tip: Practice talking to your inner critic like a small child that needs comforting.
4. The Pattern of Conflict Avoidance (Passive Aggression):
Description: This pattern involves avoiding direct confrontation and expressing anger or resentment through indirect means, such as sarcasm, procrastination, or sulking.
Behind the Pattern: Fear of conflict, learned helplessness, or a lack of assertive communication skills, resulting in suppressed anger and resentment.
Example: Instead of telling your partner you're upset, you give them the silent treatment or 'forget' to do something they asked.
Root: Fear of conflict, lack of assertive communication.
I've worked with numerous clients who struggle with expressing their anger directly. One client, David, would often resort to passive-aggressive behaviors in his relationships. He'd agree to things he didn't want to do, then 'accidentally' forget or do them half-heartedly. Or he'd make subtle, sarcastic remarks instead of voicing his frustrations openly. This pattern would create a lot of tension and confusion in his relationships, as his partners were left guessing what was really bothering him. It was clear he feared direct conflict, but the indirect route was just as damaging.
Healing Technique:
Assertive Communication: Learn to express your needs and feelings directly and respectfully.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Practice healthy conflict management techniques, such as active listening and compromise.
Tip: Practice role playing difficult conversations with a friend.
5. The Pattern of Overthinking (Analysis Paralysis):
Description: This pattern involves excessive rumination, worrying, and difficulty making decisions, leading to anxiety and inaction.
Behind the Pattern: Anxiety disorders, perfectionism, or fear of making mistakes, resulting in a tendency to overanalyze situations.
Example: Faced with a job offer, you spend weeks analyzing every possible outcome, unable to make a decision.
Root: Anxiety, perfectionism, fear of mistakes.
I've seen clients become so caught up in analyzing their past emotional traumas that they become trapped in a cycle of rumination. They'll dissect every conversation, every interaction, every perceived slight, trying to understand 'why' they feel a certain way. They'll spend hours journaling, replaying scenarios in their minds, and seeking external validation from others. While introspection is valuable, this constant overthinking can become a form of avoidance. It prevents them from actually feeling and processing the emotions in the present moment, and ultimately, it hinders their ability to move forward and create new, healthier emotional patterns.
Healing Technique:
Grounding Techniques: Practice mindfulness, deep breathing, or physical activity to calm the mind.
Time Management: Set time limits for decision-making and avoid overanalyzing.
Tip: Practice the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique.
6. The Pattern of Relationship Dependency (Codependency):
Description: This pattern involves an excessive reliance on others for emotional validation and self-worth, leading to unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Behind the Pattern: Low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, or a history of dysfunctional relationships, resulting in a tendency to prioritize others' needs over one's own.
Example: You stay in a toxic relationship, believing you can 'fix' your partner and that you're nothing without them.
Root: Low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, dysfunctional relationships.
I've seen clients who lose themselves in relationships, like Jill, who constantly monitored her partner’s moods, blaming herself for any upset. It was as if she'd given him the remote control to her emotions, needing his approval to feel okay. This often stems from childhood, where emotional needs weren't consistently met, leading to a belief that love is conditional and must be earned through constant pleasing.
Healing Technique:
Self-Care: Prioritize your own needs and interests, and develop a strong sense of self-worth.
Healthy Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries in relationships and learn to say "no."
Tip: Seek support from a therapist or support group.
7. The Pattern of Impulsivity (Lack of Self-Control):
Description: This pattern involves acting without thinking, leading to impulsive decisions and behaviors that can have negative consequences.
Behind the Pattern: ADHD, anxiety, or a lack of coping mechanisms, resulting in a tendency to seek immediate gratification.
Example: "You make unplanned purchases, overeat, or engage in risky behaviors without considering the consequences."
Root: ADHD, anxiety, lack of coping mechanisms.
I've had clients who struggle with impulsive eating, especially when stressed or overwhelmed. They'll know they're not physically hungry, but the urge to grab something sweet or salty becomes overwhelming. One client, Mark, described it as a 'sudden wave' that he couldn't resist. He'd find himself mindlessly eating an entire bag of chips before he even realized what he was doing. It wasn't about the food itself, but about the immediate relief it provided from difficult emotions. This pattern would lead to feelings of guilt and shame, which would then trigger more impulsive eating, creating a destructive cycle.
Healing Technique:
Delay Gratification: Practice delaying immediate gratification and considering the long-term consequences of your actions.
Develop Coping Mechanisms: Learn healthy coping mechanisms for managing stress and anxiety.
Tip: Practice deep breathing before making a decision.
By recognizing and addressing these common patterns, individuals can break free from limiting behaviors and create more fulfilling lives. Remember, healing these behavioral patterns is not a linear journey. There will be moments of progress and times when old habits resurface. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, honoring each step you take. If you find yourself yearning for deeper support in navigating these patterns, addressing gut health, emotional eating, or fostering emotional well-being, know that you don't have to walk this path alone. My Gut Health Rehab Program, 12-Week Coaching Program, or a Deep Dive Session can provide you with the personalized guidance and tools you need to create lasting positive change. Together, we can gently unravel old scripts, nurture your inner strength, and build a more fulfilling life, one loving step at a time.
